Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
