I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
