1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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