I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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