hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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