Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
