Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
