I wish you could order shots online.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just found puke in my bra..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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