i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
