textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
