you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
a search helicopter?!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize