we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
