4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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