no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
