well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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