The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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