I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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