Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
