My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
