Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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