Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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