Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
