I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
