Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
