When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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