in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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