Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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