i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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