Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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