You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
