If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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