That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
