HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
