Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
