I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
