Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
