A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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