Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
