yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
