He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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