Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
