he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
