I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
