when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I CAN MOONWALK!
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
