I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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