billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
