I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
