I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The ass gains better be worth it
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