When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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