we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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