dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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