I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
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