You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize