remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Girls should come with a carfax report
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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