Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
