It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
