me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
