Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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